Laser Fire Breath Destroys Motorbike

Bingo Atraydees

Northants Police Officers have reacted angrily to claims of "heavy handedness and over reaction" in the now controversial "Police Bike Incident". Police Constable Derek Sendemallback - 35, Semilong - the alleged victim of the assault, answered a barrage of questions from local cod media hacks. "I noticed the tax disc in Man Wid Missions car was out of date, and indicated for him to pull in.
At this point, he activated a special device in his car which caused Stinger missiles to emanate from his bumper, which I managed to avoid, but which hit a passing coach filled with handicapped orphans, returning home from the abandoned kittens sanctuary. When I finally managed to force The Evil One to pull over, he emerged from his car, foaming at the mouth with a kill-crazy rage spread across his face, wielding a Samurai sword, Nunchukas, several morning stars and a seven foot machete."

Constable Sendemallback, currently on paid leave after suffering fractured nerves due to the incident, described his fear during the now infamous assault on his gleaming bike. "It was terrifying", he stated. After attempting to calm Man Wid Weapon by shouting violently at him and hitting him repeatedly in the chest with his American style "Rodney Kingolator" truncheon, he reported how the suspect "suddenly unleashed this crazy howl and grew 400 feet in height, crushing local buildings and endangering lives with his gigantic orange rigger boots.". "He unleashed a stream of killer bees from his mouth which caused me to drop my keys", he continued, eyes glazing over with frothy judicial fervour.
Despite jumping up and down with his hands on his head, wailing "My bike" like a girl, his concerted efforts to protect the bike were futile, and his precious vehicle was irreparibly damaged by a "stream of blue laser fire that he blasted out of his mouth. It was hideous.". He then went on to detail how, once his gleaming bike- machine had been physically violated, Satan continued to evade capture by "spinning round and then separating into an army of invincible Ninja Warriors possessing mystical kung fu flying powers and had chainsaws for hands".


"It was only down to the sheer heroism of the 297 officers, 42 police vans, 25 guard dogs and the powers of a Kryptonite-wielding General Zod that this maniac was captured at all", mumbled a barely concious Sendemallback, furiously pumping a home made morhpine drip. "This man, with such powers, is obviously a threat to society at large and should be immediately incarcerated indefinitely until he accepts the authority of the Police to brutalise ethnic minorities with impunity".

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