Laser Fire Breath Destroys Motorbike
Bingo Atraydees
Northants Police Officers have reacted angrily
to claims of "heavy handedness and over reaction"
in the now controversial "Police Bike Incident".
Police Constable Derek Sendemallback - 35, Semilong
- the alleged victim of the assault, answered a
barrage of questions from local cod media hacks.
"I noticed the tax disc in Man Wid Missions car
was out of date, and indicated for him to pull in.
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At this point, he activated a special device in his
car which caused Stinger missiles to emanate from his
bumper, which I managed to avoid, but which hit a
passing coach filled with handicapped orphans,
returning home from the abandoned kittens sanctuary.
When I finally managed to force The Evil One to pull
over, he emerged from his car, foaming at the mouth
with a kill-crazy rage spread across his face, wielding
a Samurai sword, Nunchukas, several morning stars and
a seven foot machete."
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Rodney
Constable Sendemallback, currently on paid leave after
suffering fractured nerves due to the incident, described
his fear during the now infamous assault on his gleaming
bike. "It was terrifying", he stated. After attempting
to calm Man Wid Weapon by shouting violently at him and
hitting him repeatedly in the chest with his American
style "Rodney Kingolator" truncheon, he reported how the
suspect "suddenly unleashed this crazy howl and grew 400
feet in height, crushing local buildings and endangering
lives with his gigantic orange rigger boots.". "He
unleashed a stream of killer bees from his mouth which
caused me to drop my keys", he continued, eyes glazing
over with frothy judicial fervour.
Despite jumping up and down with his hands on his head,
wailing "My bike..my bike" like a girl, his concerted
efforts to protect the bike were futile, and his precious
vehicle was irreparibly damaged by a "stream of blue laser
fire that he blasted out of his mouth. It was hideous.".
He then went on to detail how, once his gleaming bike-
machine had been physically violated, Satan continued to
evade capture by "spinning round and then separating
into an army of invincible Ninja Warriors possessing
mystical kung fu flying powers and had chainsaws for hands".
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Pumping
"It was only down to the sheer heroism of the 297 officers, 42 police vans, 25 guard dogs and the powers of a Kryptonite-wielding General Zod that this maniac was captured at all", mumbled a barely concious Sendemallback, furiously pumping a home made morhpine drip. "This man, with such powers, is obviously a threat to society at large and should be immediately incarcerated indefinitely until he accepts the authority of the Police to brutalise ethnic minorities with impunity". |
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